Toxic People

I am positive that at some point you heard about cutting toxic people out of your life. If that person is unhealthy for you, and is inhibiting your peace, growth or well-being, naturally they should be eliminated. But what happens to that person once everyone has “cut them out”? Have they grown, or are they more bitter? Will there come a time in that person’s life where they have no one? 

I keep thinking of the saying “an eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind” - at some point someone has to practice forgiveness, understanding, or empathy to not feel the desire to retaliate and take someone else’s eye. At some point that toxic person will go through all those who could cut them out, and will be left with those who can not. 

Ultimately there is a limit to how much better we can make it for others. We have to be responsible for the happiness in our own lives. If you find yourself wanting or needing to cut out someone who is toxic, I am not here to discourage you. You have to do what is best for you. My hope is that whoever is toxic, can grow from their experiences. That they are open to having an understanding as to why you no longer wish to associate with them.

But what do we do, when the person in our lives who is toxic can not be cut out? 

I have had toxic people in my life, people who were generally not healthy or good for me. I have been able to successfully eliminate some of them. I do not need to see or associate with them any more for any reason. In some cases, I was clear with how their lifestyle choices did not match mine. For others, it was an unspoken change. I also have people in my life that I consider toxic/unhealthy that I can not eliminate from my life. 

    The clear answer is I set boundaries with a perspective of what I can, and can not change. 

I can choose to set limits on how much I see or talk with them. I can choose what information I share with them, and what information I would rather keep to myself. When there are direct interactions I can redirect the conversation to topics that I am willing to discuss and say “I’d rather not talk about that” when needed. I can also redirect them to someone else, such as “That sounds like something to discuss with so-and-so”. Lastly, I can ask those who are in contact with the same person to no longer discuss them with me. If I have to interact with them, I like to use the coping skill of a shield - in which I imagine a protective shield is keeping me safe from their negative energy. 

Another component of maintaining a toxic person in your life is understanding and acceptance. That person might never change or grow into a healthier version. If you choose to have them in your life, I strongly recommend coming to terms with who they are, the way they are. Approach them with guarded empathy, and see them as the human that they are; one that is still learning, one that is unaware or in denial of their effects. Perhaps one day they will be open to changing their behaviors, but if not, you still need to protect yourself. Your happiness, well-being and peace is worth it.

Sincerely,

Sarah