Speech from EVOLV
I was asked to speak at a mental health event. Below is a rough draft of the information I shared that day:
“One thing I want you to take away today is a definition of trauma. Trauma comes from Greek origin and simply means “wound”. I think this is really important to remember because in our culture we have unfortunately developed this idea that trauma only applies to events such as 9/11, abuse, or rape. But it is also, car accidents, bad breakups, or the fact that your Dad never made it to your baseball games. I do not know anyone who doesn’t have trauma in their lives. What needs to change is our idea of what is traumatic. If it has left you feeling that there is an open wound, I would consider it trauma.
The next thing I want to leave you with today is ways that you can help yourself, or loved ones, or even strangers. I have noticed that as a society we are very unprepared on how to handle mental health. For example, there is a theory that when we hand someone a tissue as they are crying, what we really are saying is “gather yourself, stop crying”, but yet the intention is just to help. So I wanted to offer you tips and tricks on what you can say or do to help someone in need, but keep in mind these can help you too.
Ask them if they need advice or if they just want someone to listen. We as humans want to help others, it's natural. But sometimes we forget that holding space and listening to someone is all the help they need. But if they are looking for advice, it's nice to keep that in mind as the conversation begins. On the flipside of this, it's a good idea to tell others what you expect from them when you are the one who needs help. For example, “I really just need to talk, do you mind listening?”. Or, “I have no idea how to handle this situation, can you give me some insights?”.
Validate their feelings. Intuitively this person knows things will get better and life will go on. Yet, saying those things can feel invalidating. Instead try saying “That sucks”, “That must have been really hard for you”, or “It’s ok to not be ok”.
Be human. There is a story about the difference between empathy and sympathy. There is a man in a hole in the ground. Sympathy would see this situation, say “I’m sorry” and offer to make a sandwich. Empathy would crawl into the hole with you and show you how to get out. Ask questions, and be open minded. Withhold judgment. Your goal is to hold safe space for this person.
Ask them “what would best serve you in this moment?”. Maybe a hug, glass of water, some time to process, a walk - whatever resonates with them in that moment.
Offer self care. My own self care is yoga in the mornings, or sometimes sleeping in, enjoying cups of tea (taking in the aroma, the taste, and the feel of the hot mug), going on walks, being in nature, taking trips, taking staycations, reading, cooking meals I enjoy, gardening, and praying/meditating/journaling.
Please remember boundaries. There is a limit on how much you can help this person. It is ok to say “no” - “No, you can not borrow money”, “No, you can not stay at my house”, “No, you can not take my car”. Set limits for yourself. Another boundary could be, “I’m really not in the headspace to talk about this right now, can we talk some other time?”. Maybe offer a few dates, or to go on a walk/hike, or go get tea together to discuss. You can also use verbiage such as “I did therapy and it really helped me, maybe it would help you too”. Or, “I wish I could do more to help you, could I possibly help you find a therapist?.
Most people who are struggling aren’t sure what could help them. So instead of saying, “let me know what I can do to help” - offer things that you are comfortable doing such as taking them out to lunch, mowing their lawn, or even giving them a book you found helpful.
The last thing I want to leave you with is more insight on the therapy that worked best for me. I was in talk therapy for about 8 years. It helped me with coping skills, and to begin to see things in a new way. But ultimately I was still being triggered and was still struggling with active PTSD symptoms. On my journey, it was recommended to me to try EMDR therapy. EMDR stands for Eye-Movement Desensitization Reprocessing, which is a fancy way of saying “processing traumas”. What is different about EMDR than regular talk therapy is a focus on emotions, body sensations, and imagery. When we go through a traumatic event, it often gets “stuck” in our limbic system, which is the emotional center of our mind. After the event we can chronically recount the event, but we often do not tap into the emotions, body sensations, and images that also happened. The other thing that makes EMDR different is identifying and challenging our negative beliefs as they relate to our traumas. If for example, I was in a car accident I might develop the negative belief of “I am not safe”, and I might notice that when I drive I feel fearful and tense. But by targeting our negative beliefs by reprocessing our traumas, we can arrive at a positive belief such as “I am safe now”. “
It was such a joy and an honor to be asked to speak at this event, and I truly look forward to sharing more wisdom in the future.
Sincerely,
Sarah
