Guidelines to Fight By
Fighting is a part of life and miscommunications happen. To try to ensure that a fight, conversation, or disagreement remains healthy it’s best to follow these guidelines.
Do not interrupt or talk over each other
Be respectful & remain calm
Validate each other. This could look like “I can see you are frustrated” or “I’m sorry that you feel hurt”.
Focus on the present. Sometimes if things from the past arise that are unresolved, it could cause an escalation.
Set boundaries when needed. Such as “If you continue to yell, I will walk away”.
No name calling, No put downs, No attacks against one’s character
It can be beneficial to have a plan when a fight becomes toxic or unhealthy. Ideally, it would be proactive enough to enable these tactics once it starts to take a turn versus giving it time to become worse. Also, it is best to discuss these things when both parties are at peace and neutral.
Have a code word that means it’s time to walk away or time for space. This word could be “Time Out” or a random word like “Sloth”
On the Time Out: Go for a walk, talk/vent to support, journal or meditate. Sit with your emotions and figure out what’s going on, perhaps you are triggered in some way.
Have a plan for when that time out happens. Does one person get the living room, the other the bedroom?
Most importantly, to come back and talk about it. It could be the next day, 20 minutes, or whatever suits your needs best. Once the time out is called, it would be good to establish when the time would come to talk about it again. It is important that both parties are calm or mostly neutral for a good outcome.
Here are some phrases that could be helpful once it is no longer a fight and becomes a conversation. These phrases are also beneficial during any conversation or disagreement.
“It seems we remember that happening differently, let's move on”. Rather than trying to prove it happened in one way or the other.
“I feel ____________ because ___________”. “I statements” are beneficial because it takes the focus off of blame. For example, “I feel anxious because this conversation feels overwhelming”. Or “I feel frustrated because we are having a misunderstanding”.
It can also be good to repeat what we think we hear; “What I hear you saying is _____” For example, “What I hear you saying is that it’s my fault”. This would give the other party the chance to say “Yes, that is how I feel” or “No, that’s not what I was saying”.
Sincerely,
Sarah
